According to multiple unsubstantiated ethereal sources, Pres. Reinharz, after a long and storied tenure at Brandeis University, will be announcing his decision to remain at Brandeis, at midnight. The announcement will be made by the Justice and the Hoot at midnight. Innermost Parts, which (like you) was not given access by the administration to this information, is telling you now.

This is possibly in response to a recent, renewed faculty push for Pres. Reinharz’ reclamation of his post after his superb handling of the Muslim Student Lounge vandalization incident. We’ll publish more details as they come in. Analysis to come shortly.

Long live President Reinharz!

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7 comments on “BREAKING: Pres. Reinharz not to resign!”

  1. Dani B. Says:

    someone should check the date.

  2. lindsay green Says:

    Great news. I’m relieved.

  3. scott Says:

    one of the post tags is ‘honesty’?! really?

  4. Sahar Says:

    …April Fools?

  5. Doug Moore Says:

    I think its ridiculous that you’re spreading wild rumors again like this Sahar. You should be tried in Union Court and brought to justice.

  6. Alex N. Says:

    This is absolutely not the case. ALL of my friends on Student Events told me Adam Jaffe was resigning.

  7. Sahar Says:

    Nah man. The voices in Elly’s head are 100% sure that the rumor that Jaffe was resigning was just a ruse to distract us from the real truth: Ollie is resigning to join owl city